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MISCELLANEOUS
STORIES
(Rated R)
From Distressed
Car-rider:
RIDING IN CARS
WITH CRUSHES!!!! I was at the lake house with my close crush. His
dad owned a lot of property up there and asked if we wanted to do
a favor for him. We said sure. The favor was to take the van and give
his workers a ride home. We said no problem since there was nothing
else to do! So we took the van and the workers home. When we were
on the way back my crush asked me if I wanted to take a detour I said
Uhh yeah. So he drove to some deserted area. (so we thought) Well
we climbed in the back of the van and started making out. Well he
started to take my shirt off and then my bra. then all of a sudden
I saw this huge light in the van. IT WAS A COP! As I struggled to
get my shirt back on the cop knocked on the door and asked my crush
to get out, the cop didn't see me at first so I balled up and tried
to hide, or at least act like I was sleeping. Well, he shined the
light in and said "Ma'am get out of the car please." CAUGHT!
DAMN! So I got out and I had my shirt but no bra and lets just say
it was extremely cold that night. So as we got the lecture, he was
saying "now guys I'm not stupid, I know what you two were doing so
just find another spot and get outta here!" Talk about never riding
in cars with boys!!!!!!
From Anonymous
"Tucker":
It was a big tradition
for my friends and I to attend the annual Earth Day Festival. Sponsored
by a local radio station, there was always a huge turnout of people,
musicians and vendors. It was always a party except when you had to
use the bathroom. They only provided about 12 port-a-potty's which
meant an enormous crowd of impatient, bored people. After I had waited
a good half hour I finally got my turn! As most of them are, the port-a-potty
was nasty as hell so I rushed to do my thing as quickly as possible.....throwing
up my skirt and making sure not to sit down. When I came out I let
out a huge sigh of relief and ran across the field to meet back up
with my friends making note of tons of people laughing at me as I
ran and skipped back to my circle. After a good 10 min or so passes,
I got really annoyed cuz even my friends were snickering at me......was
I just paranoid?.....and ! finally one of them broke down and pointed
out that my skirt was completely tucked into my underwear exposing
my entire back end! The next morning on the radio, they actually made
mention of the incident on the air!!!!
From Anonymous:
I have a favorite
jump suit that I where allot. I went shopping one day and I wore my
favorite jumpsuit. I saw everyone that day. Most of the ones that
I spoke with kept looking down at my feet and smiled. I could not
figure out what was going on. When I returned home I to looked down
at my feet and this is what I saw. I had a extra foot. I had washed
a pair of panty hose with my jump suit and when I put my jump suit
on, the foot of the hose was sticking out from underneath the jump
suit.
From Guy from
Brooklyn:
My best friends sister was a year younger
then us. In July of 1959 I took her on a date to Coney ISLAND. I should
have told her not to wear a skirt, but she did look nice. Everything
was all right till we got off the Steeplechase Horses. When we walked
down the ramp off the mechanical horses to the Stage the're were six
other people walking ahead of us. Only one other was a girl and she
was wearing shorts. As Dotty stepped off the ramp and between the
gate ahead of me, she stepped onto an air grate. The strong up draft
from under it blew her skirt up over her waist. She screamed as her
pink panties were exposed for everyone to see. A large crowd of people
sat in seats below the stage. As she tried to push her skirt down,
I pushed her off the air grate. Why didn't you warn me, she shouted
as she turned to me and hit me in the head with her hand bag?
A Little Clown and the audience laughed.
There was a big Clown there too but he just smiled. The Little Clown
then goosed me with an electric rod and made me hop through the opening
in the railings. Good for you, hollered Dotty as I stood at the end
of the Stage. I didn't hear what the Little Clown told her, but he
put the rod over the rail and took her hand. I knew what was going
to happen this time, but I surly didn't warn her. As the Little Clown
lead Dotty through the opening in the rail, a strong jet of air shot
up from a blow hole in the floor. Her skirt flew up in her face. She
screamed again as her panties were in full view again and she was
closer to the audience. The Little Clown then grabbed his electric
rod and touched it to her leg, keeping her over the blowhole. Around
and round they went as she spun around trying to get her skirt down.
She bent over giving the audience a pink moon, her skirt almost over
her head.
When she finally got free from the Clown
she ran toward me, her face almost as pink as her panties. I was surprised
when she smiled at me. I thought I was gonna get her hand bag again.
Some fun? I said as I backed away from her. No! she replied. We went
off the stage and watched other girls get there dresses and skirts
blown up. I think Dotty thought it was funny as long as it wasn't
her. We had fun on the other rides, but Dotty had enough of the Horse
ride and Clown for that day. Steeplechase was the funny Place, especially
when your girl wore a skirt!
From Anonymous:
My boyfriend and I are always fooling
around, sometimes we play little jokes on each other To understand
what happened you have understand what I pulled first.
It started in his backyard. He was reading
and catching rays. I was in a silly and frisky mood but knew I had
to leave soon for my summer job So I look over to him and there he
is fast asleep, the book on his hairy chest. Well I filled his hands
with whipped cream and I tickled his nose. First he brushed his face,
thinking it was a bug or fly and he smeared whipped cream on his face.
I am holding tight my laffs and I tickle his face again. This time
he uses both hands to brush away the imaginary fly and he smears all
over his face and wakes up startled and with me in hysterics. So just
as he began to chase me... I ran out the front gate, jumped in my
car and heading to work- well planned.
Well the tables turned a few weeks later
in my girlfriend's house by her pool. He had been teasing me about
getting me back and I had successfully avoided all paybacks though
there were some close calls. Well I am over at my girlfriend's house
with a couple of my girlfriends and in a bikini catching the rays.
My boyfriend was supposedly working at the garage. My girlfriend is
also very friendly with my boyfriend but I didn't give that any mind.
So there I am, catching rays and I fall into a light sleep I hear,
in my daze, my girlfriend speaking to someone on her cell and telling
them they should come over right now.. the time is ripe- whatever
that meant and she is giggling.
Next thing I feel and hear is something odd....giggling and different
parts of my bod feeling oddly cold. First my legs, then my tummy,
then my chest. Then I feel my hands being moved and my hands feel
cool. and lots of giggling going on.
Then... something small is moving all
over my face... a bug or something. So I take my hands and brush my
face and wake up... I jump up and of course you guessed it.....I am
completely covered in whipped cream (including my face) BUT THAT'S
NOT THE WORST PART...OH NO.. as I jump up ...my bikini top falls off..I
try and grab it, forgetting my hands are full of whipped cream and
smear my chest and off falls my bottom too. Someone had untied me
completely! Desperately trying to cover myself up while it's all being
recorded on video. My girlfriends scoops up my top and bottom and
toss it to a hidden figure- MY BOYFRIEND!!! WHO HAS A CAN OF WHIPPED
CREAM IN HIS HANDS AND HE YELLS ....GOTCHA BABE!!! I am standing there
..just turning all kinds of red. naked as a jaybird- the three of
them are tossing my top and bottom back and forth and I am trying
with one hand covering my front and one hand in the air trying to
get my bikini back. just dying of embarrassment. I was soooooooooooo
embarrassed
From Derek
of Milwaukee:
We've had trouble with
our elevators here at work. Right now only one is working, which is
a pain in the ass. But this happened around a month ago, when both
were working. Warning: This might not be as funny a story as actually
being there. Disclaimers out of the way...I work on the 5th floor,
and one morning I went down to the 1st FL to smoke a cigarette. On
the way back, I was waiting for the lift and this woman (5ft tall,
300lbs easy) walks up on hits the 'up' button (I had already pushed
it). She opens her $.99 bag of Cool Ranch and starts munching, waiting
for the elevator. It comes and we get on. I hit the 5 button and stand
aside in the corner. She stands in the other corner, chubby fingers
grasping and shoving chips in her mouth. I'm watching the lights that
tell you what floor you just past, and out of the corner of my eye
I can see her leering at me. It was a very creepy, kinda slanty-eyed
leer. She starts talking. "rainy outside, huh?' "yup" I reply. I looked
up to see what floor we were at (I really wanted to get off this elevator)
when the lights flickered and the elevator stopped. Damn. It was stuck
between the 4th and 5th floor. She looks at me and I say, "Looks like
were stuck". Chubby hits the Call button and the security guy answers.
She yells to him, mouth full of chips, "I'm stuck, I?m stuck, I'm
stuck!" He asks where, and she spews "In the god damn elevator!" No
shit, huh? "Between what floors, mam?" She didn't know, so she looks
at me and I tell her between the 4th and 5th. Security says he'll
be there in a minute. While we're waiting, she starts pacing around
with this wide-eyed look, like she didn't think those chips would
last her and she would die right there on the elevator. I just sat
in the corner, back against the wall, and watched. She offered me
a chip, but I politely decline. After about 5 minutes, she's in a
full sweat; hair stuck to her fat neck, the fat bulging out of her
shoes soaking her white nylons. It was gross. She was pacing twice
as fast now. After about 10 minutes, I hear the security guy knocking
on the elevator, saying he's going to have to pry it open as he lost
the keys. He's on the 5th floor, and when he jars the elevator open,
the lady stops pacing and puts down her chips. Security tells us to
climb up (its stuck between floors) and he'll pull us out. Well, the
fat woman was having none of that. There was no way she could get
herself up. And that security guy was way too skinny to help her.
So he went down to the 4th floor so she could just drop down. When
he gets down there, I go first, so I could assist him with the lady.
So I slide out and take my position. Here is where I should mention
what she is wearing. A pink moo-moo and white nylons. Well, she gets
on her belly and slowly scoots herself through the space and eases
herself down while me and Mr. Security grab a leg. As she's coming
through, her moo-moo is slowly sliding up her torso, and when she
slips through, she falls backward on her ass with her moo-moo around
her neck and her legs straight up in the air. Not a good thing to
see at 9:30 in the morning. But we made it out, and as the security
guy closes the elevator, I hear her say "Damnit, I left my Doritos
on the elevator."
From Barbara
Randolph:
I
stopped at the donut shop on my way to work this morning to purchase
a white powdered donut for myself. As I stood at the counter a rather
large woman walked up behind me and shouted in my ear "I was here
first," I looked at the woman in disbelief for a moment before I replied
"I'm sorry Ma'am, but you must be mistaken, I was here first." Well,
the woman narrowed her eyes and said " No, I believe you're the one
who is mistaken, now get the hell out of my way, NOW!" I was horrified
that this woman would create a fuss over such a small matter. I proceeded
to give my order for a white powdered donut to the old Chinaman behind
the counter when all of a sudden I felt a hard yank on my hair, I
was pulled around by the hair of my head by the woman. I was horrified
that she had pulled a huge clump of hair right out of my head. I told
the Chinaman to call the police right away or I would sue him for
improper security. The woman became irate and grabbed my right arm
and twisted it behind my back. I screamed so loud I drew a crowd in
no time. The Chinaman told both of us to get out of his shop immediately
or he would "kung fu our fat asses all the way out the front door."
The woman who attacked me laughed hysterically on her way out of the
donut shop. I walked outside, and as soon as I did I was met by this
big wide load of an assed woman in a skirt much too short for her
big body! As I neared my car she approached me and grabbed the powdered
donut right out of my hand and took a bite out of it. I reached out
to take the remainder of the donut from her but she swallowed it whole,
She made some smacking sounds as she chewed my donut and then she
licked her lips. I started to walk away again but she grabbed me a
second time and pulled me so close I could smell her funky breath,
it smelled just like dirty butt. I pulled free from her grasp and
got into my little automobile and drove to work without my delicious
donut.
From Anonymous:
This story
takes place back when I was 16. It was the first week of school and
I had the worst week of my life. First I was talking to my friends
walking into school not paying attention to where I was going and
ran straight into a pole by the front doors of the school. Then the
following day I went to the restroom and the bathroom door was stuck
so I had to beat on it for someone to let me out when I walked out
of there everyone was staring at me and giggling i thought it was
because the door had been stuck, well a few moments later my best
friend came by and told me i had a piece of toilet paper following
me to class. Then it was a Friday and it was lunch time and none of
my friends bothered to tell me the chair I as about to sit in was
broken so i sat my lunch down and went to sit in the chair it went
backwards my feet in the air and made a big boom sound everyone in
that room laughed and I was bright red and so embarassed. I will never
forget that week...
From Barbara
Randolph:
My husband
and I decided to take a drive to visit his sister Margaret. Margaret
lives way out in the countryside about an hour's drive from our lovely
three bedroom two bath home in Baltimore. I was thoroughly enjoying
the drive through the countryside until we passed an old farmhouse
and I could clearly see filthy laundry hanging from a clothesline.
As we got even closer I could see old frayed looking undergarments
hanging from the line, and I could see every single shit stain on
the seat of the undergarments. I covered my mouth in horror. I told
my husband to pull into the dirt driveway so I could speak to the
person who was responsible for ruining what should have been an aesthetically
pleasing to the eyes drive through the countryside. I was appalled
and told my husband that I wanted to have a word with the woman who
hung that filthy mess on the line. My husband Bill pulled into the
driveway and I got out of our lovely automobile at once. I walked
up to the door and knocked until a woman of perhaps fifty answered
the door. I wasted no time in telling her that I was appalled at the
dirty laundry she had hanging from the clothesline in her front yard.
The woman looked at me and shouted "who the hell are you." I informed
her that my name was Barbara, I then told her that she should remove
the offensive looking undergarments from the clothesline. The woman
screamed "those drawers are as clean as a whistle, I just washed the
sons of bitches this morning." I informed the woman that the undergarments
couldn't possibly be clean with all those skid marks on them. The
woman then took me by the arm and pulled me right up to the clothesline
for a closer inspection. She then grabbed a pair of men's stained
briefs off the line and buried my face in them. I was horrified! I
ran back to my lovely 1966 dodge dart and told my husband to make
some skid marks of his own and get me out of there quick. Appalling!!
From Anonymous:
Well, about
a year or two ago, i had a huge crush on this guy. i really like him
and my friend and i would always try to find a way that i could be
with him. through the years i knew him, we became friends. well, i
finally made my move and asked him if he wanted to go to disney land
with me and my friend. he said sure. well that morning, i woke up
feeling really ill. i decided to go anyway. my friends mom dropped
us off and we were walking to the front. i was walking with him and
all of a sudden, i just felt so sick. then it happened. i through
up right in front of him. he yelled up to my friends to stop and they
came back. i had to call my parents to come and pick me up...i was
so humiliated*
*at least we still remained really good friends and put the past behind
us. now i like his best friend, but shhh...don't tell!
From Anonymous:
One day when
I was travelling in the public transport systems to my office, I saw
the school bus coming towards me. I was standing at the rear side.
The bus was moderately full. So i was standing and when I saw the
boy staring me and coming towards me, I was worried. He came close
to me and whisphered to me that I had forgotten to close my pants
zip. I was so embarassed and got down from the bus without even thanking
that boy.
From Anonymous:
Well let
me tell you a funny story that happened to me two days ago one of
my old friends came over and we had nothing beter to do so we decided
to go to the mall so we got all nice and pretty and i wore a dress
and she wore pants and one of my shirts well later that day we were
walking through the mall and i turned around to see what every one
was laughing at and there were like three guys just following us well
at first i just thought that they thought we were hott but then my
friend pionted out that the back of my dress was tucked into the back
of my panties i was as red as an apple all i wanted to do was crawl
back under a rock thank you for reading my funny story!
From Anonymous:
This story
takes place on the golf course. A few years back when I was a bit
overweight, I wore pants with no belt loops; with just a snap button
on the front, when during excersion would undo itself along with the
zipper loosening. The sounds you would have heard if you were there
were only half seconds apart.
I am playing
with three other fellas, when it was time to hit my second shot on
the fairway. As the the sound of my three iron struck the ball, I
farted, my buttoned snapped open, and my pants fell partially down.
The three fellas I was playing with were laughing so hard, there was
tears coming out of their eyes.
Needless
to say, I never wore those pants again.
From Anonymous:
One morning, I was rushing
to send my daughter off to school and get ready for work myself. The
school bus was coming around the block to pick her up. I had just
finished preparing her lunch and went into the front porch to get
her duffle bag. In my front porch I have a lot of plants - well; I
bent over to pick up her bag and snagged my hair on my huge asparagus
fern...quickly ran back to the kitchen, packed her lunch into the
duffle and kissed her goodbye for the day. Then I finished getting
myself ready - - left in a hurry to catch the city transit for my
half hour ride to work on the other side of town. I talked to people
on the bus and arrived at work safely. Started work at 9 - then at
around 10:30 went to the washroom and when I looked in the mirror
- I saw a dried out large piece of my plant stuck nicely in my hair.
Go figure - noone told me that it was there. I guess they thought
that I had put it there on purpose. Hehehe.
From SANDY
HALL (RICHMOND, VIRGINIA):
MY CAR HAD
BEEN GIVING ME TROUBLE STARTING EVERY MORNING. IT WAS AUGUST AND IT
WAS 99 DEGREES. I HAD MY AIR CONDITIONING ON AND PULL INTO MY DRIVE.
I CUT THE CAR OFF. WELL SINCE I ALWAYS LOCK MY CAR DOORS WHILE DRIVING,
THEY WERE LOCKED. I PUSH THE POWER LOCK TO UNLOCK THE CAR, NOTHING
HAPPEN. I TRIED TO START MY CAR, NOTHING. IT WAS GETTING HOTTER AND
HOTTER. I TRIED TO BLOW MY HORN, THINKING
MY SON WOULD HEAR IT AND COME OUTSIDE TO SEE WHAT WAS WRONG. MY HORN
WOULD NOT BLOW. I SAT IN THE CAR FOR OVER 30 MINUTES, THEN IT CAME
TO ME. HEY, YOU DO NOT HAVE POWER WINDOWS. ROLL THEM DOWN AND UNLOCK
THE DOOR WITH YOUR KEY. SO DUMMY ME SAT THERE ALL THAT TIME. WELL
I LOOKED AS IF I HAD JUMPED IN THE POOL. MY SON LAUGH AND LAUGH.
And...
ONE OTHER
THING I DID WHEN I WAS 24 YEARS OLD AND MARRIED. I DECIDED I
WAS GOING TO PAINT MY BATH TUB AND SINKS A PRETTY GREEN. WELL I DID
PAINT BOTH WITH SIMI-GLOSS HOUSE PAINT. MY HUSBAND CAME IN AND I WAS
SO PROUD OF WHAT I DID. IT LOOKED SO PRETTY. HE LET OUT A BIG CUSS.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, HE SAID. ITS SO PRETTY I SAID. HE TURNS ON THE
WATER IN THE BATH AND THE PAINT TURNS TO RUBBER AND JUST PEELS OFF.
I ASKED HIM, WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR? WELL TO MAKE A LONG STORY
SHORT, I DID NOT KNOW YOU COULD NOT PAINT A BATH TUB WITH REGULAR
PAINT. HE TOLD EVERYONE THIS STORY.
From Anonymous:
When I was
in the third grade my mom got me a training bra because she thought
I should get used to having it on. Well anyway I wore it because
my mom made me. It use to itch so bad and it was very uncomfortable.
So one day in math class we were taking a test and the bra started
bothering me so bad that I decided to sneak and take it off in class
during the test. Well it worked and nobody notice me take off
the bra. So after I took off the bra I put it in my lap until
I finished the test and then I was going to put
in my book bag. After the test was done the bell rang and it
was time for the next class so I jumped up and went out the door and
headed for my next class. Behind me in the math class I heard
lots of laughter but I didn't pay attention to it and went on to my
next class. In class there was a boy that was in my math class
and I saw them peeking at me and giggling. Then I over heard
him and realized what they were laughing about. I had forgotten
that the bra was in my lap and when I jumped up to go to the next
class it fell on the floor in front of a bunch of third graders and
the bad thing about it was that the teacher didn't see what happened
but she did find the bra and she decided to go around school looking
for who's bra it was. None of the kids that saw who's lap it
fell out of would tell her whose it was, so I had to step up and ask
her for my bra back. Now I think that was the
most embarrassing thing I had to do.
From The
Junior Peeping Tom:
When I was
about two years old my parents took me to Disney World for the first
time. It got later in the day and there was a parade, like there
is every night. Anyway, I got away from my parents and wandered
out into the street where the parade was. The Queen of Hearts
from Alice in Wonderland was in the parade. She was wearing
a dress that had a ten foot diameter at the bottom. I crawled
under it and started walking with her under the dress. I walked
for about half an hour. When the parade was over, I came out
and tugged on the dress and asked the lady where my parent were.
They took me to guest relations where my parents were waiting.
To this day, I can't go to Disney World without watching the parade,
and waving to the Queen.
From Lori:
I was just about to go to bed while I noticed my cat wasnt in my room
so I went ahead and went into the living room and I found my cat looking
out the window, so I bent down and picked her up when I heard then
key sound like someone was trying to come in the house and I thought
maybe someone broke in but then I thought nah they couldnt have then
as I standed up I heard the door open I ran into my parents room and
somwhere along the line I just threw my sweet little kitty and I was
screaming that someone broke in, my Dad fell off the bed trying to
get his gun, and I ran into my parents closet, I then
heard my mom say "What" from the living room I yelled "Mother" she
said "yes" I said "you stupid" my dad was still on the floor trying
to get up with his gun and finnally I went out of my parents room
and found my mom in the hall looking confused,finally when I found
out it was my mom and everything my Dad just then standed up and held
his gun. I felt really bad because I scared my whole family, my Mom
was even scared because she was at the back door and she was like
"Okay I am at the back door so were are they breaking in at"..my parents
still tease me and laugh. I feel horrible for being such an idiot,
and they ALWAYS tell my friends and they make fun of me also.
From Anonymous:
This
happend only a few weeks ago. It had been snowing that day and our
school district had a two hour delay. Stupid me knowing it was icey
out decided to wear my boots with a two and a half inch heals (of
corse this would be no problem for anyone else except im a very clumbsy
person.) Anyway I was walking out to where my bus picks me up. I tried
to open our front gate but it was frozen shut. So in order to get
to the spot where my bus picks me up I had to run around the house
and around the gate which was a pretty long
way and I did'nt want to miss the bus so I was running. As soon as
I got to the driveway I saw a bus coming down the road I thought it
was mine and started running faster. The all of a sudden I felt my
feet slip from under me and I fell face first into the ice. when the
bus went past I relized that! it was the high school bus and not my
middle school bus. I thought it was over but then one of the kids
screamed out the window 10!
From Anonymous:
i was walking
up the aisle at church to sit up at the altar with the choir.
I had on like 5 inch heels and one of them caught on the stairs and
my hymn book and shoe went flying!! To this day nobody will let me
forget. Unfortunately it was Valentines Day too!!
From Anonymous:
My husband is a construction
contractor, so he is always getting phone calls from this one or that
one. One night the phone rang and I answered, thinking the man on
the end of the line was my husbands uncle, who I am always joking
around with! The phone call went as follows:
Me: Hello
The Man: Can I speak
to George?
Me: What's it worth to
ya?
The Man: Well, I don't
know really!
Me: You can come up with
something better than that can't you!
The Man: I don't know
about that.
Me: What exactly will
you give me if I let you talk to George?
The Man: I really don't
know what it is you want!
Me: Oh, Unc, you're supposed
to play along!
The Man: I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE BUT I NEED TO SPEAK TO GEORGE!!
At that moment I realized
that I wasn't speaking to my husbands uncle. It turned out to be a
man who my husband works for!!!!! I almost died right there on the
spot. I have never been able to look that man in the eye again!!!!
From Anonymous:
One day I was hitch hiking
, I was walking backwards when suddenly a car stopped right beside
me . Thinking he was picking me up I jumped in the car the man
looked at me with a confused terriffied look. what are you doing
, what do you want , I'm only stopping for the traffic light .
I quickly jumpped out of the car and said to my self [oops you big
dummy] ah forget it I think I'll walk....
From KJ:
when I first started
dating my ex husband, I was a little miss priss. I wore fake eyelashes
and fingernails. I had started staying all night with him on the weekends
so I could spend more time with him. I woke up one early in the morning
and noticed he wasnt in bed with me, so I got up and went in the living
room. I had taken off my fake eyelashes and put them on the endtable
before I went to bed and he didnt have his glasses on. he had rolled
up a news paper and was beating the hell out of my fake eye lashes.
I said
" what are you doing?"
he said " trying to kill this big ass spider." he said he had never
seen one with so many legs before! I fell in the floor laughing. later
after I pulled myself together, I explained that it was my fake eyelashes
he was beating!! he was so embarrassed!!
From Anonymous:
One day when I was about
7, I had gone to a Dept.store with my mom & pop.I then felt like
I had something in my undies. I did, it was a small poop. I then snuck
away from my perents and went outside. I stretched out my right leg,
and jingled my pants until it fell out, rolled along the sidewalk,
and landed along the store wall. Whfeeoohh, what a relief, I got rid
of that. And went back in to go shopping. My perents asked me where
I was..... Ohh, just fartin' around !!
From Fiasco Farter:
In the fifth grade, I
was in art class with some of my friends. I was sitting on top of
a desk and so were two of my other friends. My crush of 2 years was
in there too. Anyway, I really had some bad gas, and I was really
holdin' it in. All of a sudden, my friend reaches over and tickles
me and I just start cracking up...and letting out this HUGE FART!
From Anonymous:
one day i was taking
a walk near the delaware river with my senior class in high school
and i noticed somehing floting in the water and i thought it was a
body so i jumped in the water with out a though, and i yelled for
someone to call for a medic i swam for about 300 ft when i noticed
it was just a barrel floating in the water i was soaking wet on the
ride home
FROM JO:
I am Italian and about
three years ago I went to London for a "studying holiday", you know
those student things, English lessons in the morning, sightseeing
in the afternoon, pubs in the night... I was in a host family - very
nice people - a typical English family -mother -.- father - three
sons - a nice doggy dog (medium sized dog). The family used to host
students during the summer so in the house it was me, a Spanish fella
and another Italian girl. The Italian girl was a bit "weird"... I
don't know if she was retarded or not.. but surely there was something
wrong about her... anyway...
The first day we arrived,
the lady from the travel agency tells me that me and that girl were
going to stay with this family.. the family pick us up in the airport..
drive us home.. and then they asked us for a cup of tea.. We are in
the living room, starting to know each other, drinking tea.. while
the weird one ask the lady for the toilette... the lady said that
downstairs there was at toilette with only the sink..., otherwise
upstairs there was the real toilette for all your needs.. You know,
she didn't understand properly - me either.. so she went downstairs
bursting for a pee pee.. and no toilette seat in it. only a sink and
the washing machine.. so she put her big ass on the sink and she started
to pee.. while she was pissing the sink that was stuck on the wall
broke down....She fell with the sink... bumped her head on the wall...
with her trouser/panties down to her ankles...We heard the noise from
the living room, so me and he host lady went there...nothing happened
really but the nice English woman decided to bring the weird to the
hospital for a check..
But this is not the funniest
part... I spend a nice three weeks holidays having such a great time
even realizing that the Italian girl that I had to share the room
was really weird (farting, shitting in the bed- talking weird) The
last night we stayed in London we decide to party... we were about
ten Italian people and the weird one was with us,,, we drank a lot...
and I went home without the weird one..... when I I came home I did
lots of noise, cause I was really drunk, the lady woke up and asked
where the weird one was... suddenly the weird one came in.. at the
entrance there was a sort of sofa/divan ... nearby the telephone place..
and the dog used to sleep on this sort of sofa.. well, the weird one
sat violently on that couch , with her big ass (she was a big girl)...
she actually smashed the dog.... The dog started to cry, the English
lady started to scream, the kids woke up in tears, the husband (thank
God) was out... the next day the woman brought the dog to the veterinary
for t a lethal injection 'cause the weird one actually killed the
dog.. The woman said that she ad enough of Italian dickheads... Yes,
it was embarrassing, I was ashamed to be Italian... thank God it was
the last night in England.
From Little H:
Hey, listen up! This
is one of the funniest thing that I've ever experienced.
When I was in grade
8, my family, including myself, moved into a new neighbourhood, but
however, I wanted to finish grade 8 at my old school. In school, we
took a field trip to a court house which was fifteen minutes away
from my school. There, we saw many different cases of all sort, but
there was this one case that I will never forget. It was about a woman,
and how she was convicted of stealing underwears from all these stores.
Therefore, she was charged.... I don't know how much, but I thought
it was one of the funniest thing. I mean, why would anyone steal underwears.....so
I couldn't help myself but start laughing out really loud.....all
of a sudden, I shouted, "Oh my freakin lord, what an idiot", apparently,
everyone in the court room heard me... including the defendant.....she
put on an angry face and stared directly at me..... But I didn't really
care... I thought it was pretty funny... and then I left the room
with my face all red... When I arrived home to my new house, I just
wanted to tell everybody.... but nobody was home, so I thought I should
call my best friend to tell him all about it.... It was a nice day
out so I thought I take my cordless phone outside on the front patio
and get some fresh air...... When I was just about to finish telling
him the story over the phone... someone was tapping me on my left
shoulder, and asked, "are you wearing any underwears?"..... I turned
around.... it was my new neighbour, whom I've never met.....it was
that underwear woman in the court room....... and I fainted.........
From ~zuzu:
I had just moved to a
small town in Florida with my parents, and we were in the process
of unpacking. There were open boxes, stacks of clothing and miscellaneous
laying all over the house, waiting to be put away. It was an exhausting
task, so when I was asked to go to the market to get some soaps, I
was grateful (and in a hurry)to get away for awhile!
I grabbed my keys and
shoulder bag and out the door I went. This was my first time at this
supermarket, so I was taking my time browsing the aisles, and I noticed
people kept smiling at me!
'This is such a friendly
town,' I thought..and kept on smiling back..after about 15 minutes
tho, it was getting on my nerves, so I grabbed the soaps, and headed
for the checkout.
I was standing on line
waiting my turn, and reached down to take my purse out of my shoulder
bag, and lifting it up, saw the reason for the smiles: I had a bra
hooked onto the crochet of my purse, and had been draggin it all over
the store.
*My handbag had been
laying on a pile of clothing near the front door when I left, and
I guess I didnt notice, being in such a hurry to leave.. Needless
to say, I was SOooo embarrassed I NEVER went back to that supermarket
again.
From "Galaxy Trigger":
One day in 9th grade
Joy group (its where kids get together and pray) This guy I had a
big crush on was standing right beside me. Little did he know I was
on my period which didn't pose a problem... Only my mom had put in
my bookbag where the pens were supposed to go 3 tampons.
Well he needed a pen
and I volunteered to get him one. Without looking, I pulled out a
tampon and handed it to him saying, "Heres that pen you wanted!" And
he looks at it and says, "Ewww! Thats not a pen thats a condom!!"
(That got the whole classes attention and I dim wittedly said, "That
ain't a comdom! Thats a tampon!" Everyone turned, looked, and laughed.
I was so embarassedI never went back.
From Anonymous:
I meet a new girl in
my school. Later that night we talked on the phone about things of
all sort. When she told me that her mother was always dating all kinds
of guys. She mention that she remembered at one time her Mom had three
boyfriends at the same time. She also explained how they did not care
that she was dating all of them. She also mention they would repair
all the things in the house and they would be all there to help.
The next day I came over
to visit my friend. I was introduced to her mother for the first time.
I notice that there was two guys, one in his early 40's and the other
in his mid-30's. My friend offered me a drink. We sat there for a
while chatting. And this is all I observed from their body language.
The man that was in his 40's went over to give her a kiss. The man
in his 30's was standing behind her giving her a back rub. So I remember
what my friend said that night before. I was led to think that this
lady was actually like that. And one idea led to another.
I finally decided to
have the nerve to ask them." So you guys are OK with having her to
share". They turned around and looked puzzled at me for a while. Then
I started to explain what my friend told me the last night on the
phone and before I could finish my explanation. My friend cover my
mouth and told me to shhh.
They all laughed at me
and explained that the man in his forty's was her boyfriend at the
time and the other guy was his nephew that came there with him. And
that man was with her for at least 2 yrs. But he thought it was funny,
what I commented anyways. I was so mortified by what I said and I
thought this was a very bad impression to leave with her Mom to think
about me. So one advice to the public do not believe all that you
hear. And keep your big mouth shut!
From Anonymous:
When I was 18 years old,
I was dared to run through a large and very popular park in my hometown...in
nothing but my shoes. I decided, "Hey, you only live once", and I
did it. Suffice it to say, I got caught and put in jail under a misdemeanor...Indecent
Exposure. Well, in my hometown, all misdemeanors are placed in the
newspaper, along with the guilty party's name. I was at dinner at
my granparents' house, when my elderly grandfather said, "So...how
did you like jail?" I just smiled and pretended that I didn't know
what he was talking about. He then smiled and pulled out the news
paper. There, in big letters, was my name. I will NEVER live that
one down!!!
From Red Faced In Vegas:
It was just about 6 years
ago....... when my cousin called and said he was coming through town
in his semi and meeting his girl friend and was getting married. And
asked if I would set it up for them...sure no problem! I made all
the quickie plans... a small wedding chapel..whipped together a 3
tier cake and bought stuff for a small reception. Well he showed up
and then his bride to be came in to town with a few members of the
family, most I did not know. That evening we all got dressed up and
went to the chapel. Me wearing an outfit that my best friend gave
me. I really liked it. Anyway, the wedding got underway, we all took
our seats, all their kids and her parents sitting right up front.
My boys and nieces and nephews were there. After the ceremony got
started one of my kids started giggling...well that started a chain
reaction...I kept trying to hush them...but I started in to. One of
those times when you can't stop no matter how hard you try!! Well
the seats we were sitting in were those wooden pews like in a church
but made for 2 people and they were high back. When I leaned forward
to grab the seat in front of me, my pants ripped out and roared like
the biggest Fart I had ever heard!!! That did it! everyone that had
been giggling busted up. One of the kids had to crawl under the camera
to get outside. He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe anymore.
But my cousin being the funny guy he is....turned to walk down the
isle after they were married and just said in a deep LOUD voice. OK!!
WHO FARTED??? The ones of us who were trying to maintain ..just lost
it!!
I will never forget that
wedding!! I also will never quit hearing about it. No one believed
me. But guaranteed those pants went straight in the trash!!!!
From me:
About two years ago I
was living in a high-priced apartment complex. It was my first time
living on my own and it was great. The best part was that if something
broke or wasn't working, I just called maintenance and they came and
fixed it. After having some trouble with my dryer, the maintenance
gut came out to fix it. After taking it apart he appeared from the
laundry room and said he had to go get a part from his truck. I figured
I would sneak a peek at what he had done and was horrified to find
my favorite G-string underwear stuck in the drum of the dryer. No
wonder my clothes weren't getting dry.
From RB:
It was last Sunday about
2:00 pm on a beautiful afternoon and I'm flying down 42 av. cause
I gotta stop at work to get my pass that lets me into the homeshow.
So, as I turn into the parking lot I decide to shut of the ignition,
thinking how clever I am for saving gas and time. As I approach the
store I again decide to apply the brakes at the very last second thinking
again this will save an additional 3 seconds or so. So I finally stamp
on the brakes, nothin happens and I smash right through the front
doors into the showroom. Then the alarm goes off. So I call A.D.T.
and tell them I work here and not to be worried. Then I call the cops
and say look I just ran through my store don't worry about it I'm
ok and my cars not damaged.
They send down 2 cop
cars plus then the ADT guys show up. So now I got get inside the cop
car to give a statement and I see the A-channel press people showing
up. This guy gets out of his van and immediately starts filming tthe
crash scene then approaches the cop car I'm in tryin to get a shot
of the idiot who did this and I'm hiding my face like a common criminal
telling him to fuck off and what not. So the cop notices this and
he says to me he won't charge me with anything if I speak to the press
and tell them exactly what happened. So I told the entire story to
the camera guy telling him and the rest of god knows how many people
what an idiot I am. It was
the lead story
Monday morning on the news .The good looking news lady introduced
it. So now I am a well known celebrity of sorts.
From Red Faced:
I was having lunch with
my girl friend, it was towards the end of our meal when mother nature
comes calling. I excused myself and said I would be right back. As
I was leaving to go use the ladies room I noted that the waiter brought
the check.
I was feeling kinda generous
that day, so I picked up the check, I figured I would pay for it on
the way back from the bathroom. As I was walking away my girlfriend
was calling me to come back. I said to her "No that's OK I'll pay
for lunch today." She kept insisting I came back. I told her again
"No really, I got the check" and off I went.
As I was walking to the
ladies room. I could hear people whispering and giggling. I didn't
think anything about it. I put the check in my purse and forgot all
about it. When I was walking back to the table, I noted that men were
grinning and staring. Well anyway we got up to leave and went to pay
the check when the waiter sez, "No that's OK. Today you get a free
meal. On the house." I thought WOW what a nice Guy.
When we got out to the
car, my girl friend tells me that, when I got up to use the ladies
room my skirt was tucked in my panty hose and I showed everyone my
A$$ at Denny's. That has got to be the most embarrassing thing that
has ever had happened to me.
From Slick:
My husband and I went
to Branson Missouri on our Honeymoon. It was summer time, and so naturally
we had on summer clothes! Well me,I was wearing a short summer dress.
It was hot out that day, so we decided to stop and get a lemonade
to drink! We got in line and were standing there waiting to get our
drink, when a older man came up to me and said " Miss, there were
some younger kids that walked behind you and lifted your dress up
and it is still up!!" The clincher to the story is that I had thong
underwear on! But hey at least they weren't granny underwear!!!
From CAL:
THIS STORY IS PRETTY
FUNNY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE A BIT OF HAIRLOSS, LIKE MYSELF AND FOR MY
FRIENDS WHO KNOW ME THEY CRACK-UP. I WAS WALKING THROUGH A JAM-PACKED
THRONG OF PEOPLE TOSSING DOWN SOME LIQUER, WETTING MY MOUTH A LITTLE.
WHAT A GREAT TIME I WAS HAVING BEFORE SOMEONE FOLLOWING BEHIND STARTS
YELLING HEY PAULY! HEY PAULY!
I TURNED BACK JUST ABOUT
TO KNOCK HIM OUT BEFORE ASKING WHAT HE SAID, " I WAS CALLING FOR MY
FRIEND PAULY". I TURNED FORWARD, DISMISSED THE INTERRUPTION AND CONTINUED
TO ENJOY THE DELIGHT OF THE NIGHT. I LATER ANSWERED THE QUESTIONED
THAT PONDERED UNDER MY FRIENDS THINKING CAP. "WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO
SAY TO THAT PATRON". WELL, I THOUGHT HE WAS CALLING FOR ME. I THOUGHT
HE WAS YELLING HEY BALDY! HEY BALDY! YOU KNOW YOU BARE HEAD! I DO
NOT THINK HE PUT TWO-&-TWO TOGETHER HE WAS JUST HAPPY TO SEE PAULY........
From Anonymous:
A couple of years ago
in art class, we got to go in the dark room and develop our pictures.
I was in there with this really cute guy, and i had to pee really
bad. I couldn't leave because the light would ruin the pictures. I
had to sit down i had to go so bad. I even peed a little (accidentally).
When I walked out at the end of class, he said, "Hey, you got something
all over your butt." All the popular girls around him started laughing.
I was soooooooooooooooo embarrassed.
From Anonymous:
This story isn't really
about me but it is extremely embarassing to one of my good friends.
When my friend was in
sixth grade she was playing this game with her class called "around
the world"... What you do in this game is answer a question and if
you get it right you move on and sit on the next desk.
It happened to be her
time of the month,but she unknowingly leaked. Well she was doing very
good in the game so she got to sit on just about all of the desks.
When the game was finished and she went to sit down at her desk she
noticed everyones disgusted looks on their faces,then she looked at
all of the desks and noticed her blood spots.
From Anonymous:
Me and my friend were
all hanging out at the public pool and at the pool there's this slide
and my crush was there. So me and my friend went down the slide in
a train and I guess my bathing suit(binkie top) got caught and ripped
off on the slide and also my crush comes up and hands me my top and
said nice show.
From R:
Every single class in
elementary school has a girl that every little boy is in love with.
The boys will do anything for her. I was the fat kid in school (the
one that wears corduroy and his legs catch on fire from the friction,
thats was me) One day at recess I was on the weings doing the game
that is really stupid of seeing how high you could and then jump off
going for distance, to impress the girl or girls that were watching,
or a broken bone whatever came first. I was ridiculously high on the
swing and my little plump body would add the extra umph I needed to
go that extra five feet when I jumped off. I jumped but I didn't go
anywhere but strait down. My pants were caught on the swing. I was
no longer in my pants that were in two pieces at this point and that
girl that everyone has a crush on was standing there looking at my
E.T. underoos. We went through high school and three years of college
and now I'm dating that girl that everyone had a crush on who would
have guessed.
From Anonymous:
i was in disney world
FL. i wanted to go on this rollercoaster ride which was held on the
first floor of the biulding. the only way up was by a lift. i went
directly to the lift and started to push the button. a gaurd came
up to me and said " young lady what are you doin?" "i want to go on
that ride which is upstairs". i noticed the guard was literally laughing
but he was kinda countrolling him self.
he said "well! you have
to stand in that line to go for this ride". then i notice how mant
people were starring at me and stupidly i said "this is
the
line?" and that
gaurd said "sure it is". then all the people started to laugh at me
so loud that i never went for that ride. i was so embarrassed.
