| SIGNS YOU ARE A LOSER AT LOVE
- Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you. - Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted." - You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets. - The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform. - You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders. - You have one of those handsome Ito beards ... and you're a woman. - The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration. - You spend your vacation chasin' lizards. - The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy. - You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt."
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