YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF...

- You think John the Baptist started the SBC.

- You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.

- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.

- You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

- You think worship music has to be loud.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You judge the quality of a service by its length.

- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.

- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.

- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

- You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.

- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.

- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus.

- You are upset that the last hymn in the new hymnal is numbered "666."

- You happen to know that Lottie Moon is not a member of the Unification Church.

- You wonder when they are ever going to get that Cooperative Program thing paid for.