THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A POLICEMAN

* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

* Sorry, Officer. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

* Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

* Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

* I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

* You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

* Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

* Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

* I pay your salary!

* Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

* What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

* No, YOU assume the position.

* I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

* If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

* No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

* No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

* Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.

* Want to race to the station, Sparky?

* I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

* On the way to the station let's get a six pack.

* You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

* Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

* Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

* How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

* Hey officer is that your nightstick, or are you just glad to see me?

* What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

* I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!