HOT & COLD

YOU KNOW IT'S HOT WHEN...

* You keep spare bottles of freon in your car.

* You buy sun block by the case.

* You start bonding with your air conditioner.

* Your electric bill is higher than your house payments.

* You start putting ice cubes in your water bed.

* You start buying stock in Gatorade.

* You keep your refrigerator open just to feel the cool air.

* You keep humming the song heat wave to your self.

* You cancel your Hotmail account because you didn't like the name of it.

* You get a life long pass to White Water.

* Your dream house is any house in Alaska.

* Your not even sure how hot it is because your heat thermometer only goes up to 120.

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first---it wet the bed.

YOU KNOW IT'S COLD (In New York) WHEN...

* People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants.

* Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag.

* Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River.

* Times Square strip clubs advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!"

* Mario Cuomo making a fortune shoveling walks.

* Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs.

* This morning, Triple-A had to jumpstart Andrew Giuliani.

* People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm.

*Instead of the finger, New Yorkers giving each other the mitten.

* Cabbies wearing flannel turbans.

COLD WEATHER
Degrees (Fahrenheit)/Activity

60
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50
Miami residents turn on the heat

45
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming

35
Italian cars don't start

32
Water freezes

30
You plan your vacation to Australia

25
Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15
French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10
You need jumper cables to get the car going

5
American cars don't start

0
Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10
German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20
Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25
Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30
You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start

-40
Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50
Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80
Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets