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FUNNY QUOTES
Men get laid, but women get screwed. When a man goes on a date he wonders if he
is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. Women need a reason to have sex -- men just
need a place. I love the lines the men use to get us into
bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? A woman's appetite is twice that of a
man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. There's very little advice in men's
magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to
learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." We got new advice as to what motivated man
to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation. You know why God is a man? Because if God
was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate. Women still remember the first kiss after
men have forgotten the last. A man loses his sense of direction after
four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. When women hold off from marrying men, we
call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of
commitment. Only two things are necessary to keep one's
wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her
have it. Why get married and make one man miserable
when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde
jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb
women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. I've been on so many blind dates, I should
get a free dog. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you
have given birth. If high heels were so wonderful, men would
be wearing them. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes
one you can ride on. I found out why cats drink out of the
toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother
know THAT? I think-therefore I'm single. When women are depressed they either eat or
go shopping. Men invade another country. Behind every successful man is a surprised
woman. In politics, if you want anything said, ask
a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on
how to combine marriage and a career. If men can run the world, why can't they
stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck? "Marriage is give and take. You'd
better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." "Maybe this world is another planet's
Hell." "Politics is not a bad profession. If
you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a
book." "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes
it." "Sex is hereditary. If your parents
never had it, chances are you wont either." "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the
question. "Yes" is the answer." "Statistics are like bikinis. What
they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital." "The right half of the brain controls
the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right
mind." "We spend the first twelve months of
our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to
sit down and shut up." "When a man says he had pleasure with
a woman he does not mean conversation." "Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same." "Insurance is like marriage. You pay,
pay, pay, and you never get anything back." "I recently read that love is entirely
a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." "If variety is the spice of life,
marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." "If you are afraid of loneliness,
don't marry." "An archaeologist is the best husband
a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." "Marriage is like a bank account. You
put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." "Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand
for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother." "I know nothing about sex, because I
was always married." "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every
time I get a divorce, I keep the house." "When a man steals your wife, there is
no better revenge than to let him keep her." "The only thing worse than a man you
can't control is a man you can." "I don't worry about terrorism. I was
married for two years." "I was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury." "Eighty percent of married men cheat
in America. The rest cheat in Europe." "There's a way of transferring funds
that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." "A husband is a guy who tells you when
you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick."
"When you see what some girls marry,
you realize how they must hate to work for a living." "Whenever I date a guy, I think, is
this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" "A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a
man." "We had a lot in common. I loved him
and he loved him." "I take my wife everywhere I go. She
always finds her way back." "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going
slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." "You have to stay in shape. My
grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today
and we don't know where the hell she is." "I'm not into working out. My
philosophy: No pain, no pain." "A hotel is a place that keeps the
manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean
a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." "I'm desperately trying to figure out
why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." "Did you ever notice when you blow in
a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window." "I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a
cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice
doggie' until you can find a rock." "Never moon a werewolf." "If you ever see me getting beaten by
the police, put down the video camera and come help me." "I have six locks on my door all in a
row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." "Ever wonder if illiterate people get
the full effect of alphabet soup?" "The statistics on sanity are that one
out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." "Now they show you how detergents take
out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash." "I ask people why they have deer heads
on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I
think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." "I always wanted to be somebody, but I
should have been more specific."
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