ACTUAL SIGNS

* At the entrance of the large machinery plant:  Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

* At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

* On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy

* In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

* On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

* On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

* In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

* In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

* In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

* On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

* In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

* This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to.

* On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.

* Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.

* Gym:  Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

* Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.

* Maternity Clothes Shop:   We are open on Labor Day.

* On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish

* In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

* On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

* On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church

* Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.

* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:  15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!

* A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.

* In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

* In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

* In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

* In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END

* On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

* On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.

* In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

* At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

* In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

* In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

* In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

* In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

* In the front yard of a funeral home:  Drive carefully, we'll wait.

* On an electrician's truck:  Let us remove your shorts.

* Outside a radiator repair shop:  Best place in town to take a leak.

* On a maternity room door:  Push, Push, Push.

* At an optometrist's office:  If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

* On a taxidermist's window:  We really know our stuff.

* On a butcher's window:  Let me meat your needs.

* On a fence:  Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

* At a car dealership:  The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.

* Outside a muffler shop:  No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

* In a dry cleaner's emporium:  Drop your pants here.

* On a desk in a reception room:  We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

* In a veterinarian's waiting room:  Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

* At the electric company:  We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

* In a Beauty Shop:  Dye now!

* In a restaurant window:  Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

* Inside a bowling alley:  Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

* In a cafeteria:  Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

* English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.

* On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission

* Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

* At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

* At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

* On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.

* On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.

* In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.

* On another Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you.

* At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

* On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

* In a Laundromat:  Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

* In a department store:   Bargain Basement Upstairs.

* In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

* In an office:  After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

* On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

* Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

* Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

* In a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

* In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

* Spotted in a Safari Park:   Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

* Seen during a conference:  For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

* Notice in a field:  The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

* Message on a leaflet:  If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

* On a repair shop door:  We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

* In a toilet:  Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

* Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.

* Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber.

* Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.

* At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

* Door of a plastic surgeons office: Hello, can we pick your nose?

* Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.

* At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?

* At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

* Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

* On an Electricians truck:   Let us remove your shorts.

* In a Nonsmoking Area:  If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

* In a counselors office:   Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.