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| HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL MAN
Never thrust your sickle into another man's corn. Don't spread your blanket where a cat's been digging. Don't skinny-dip with snapping turtles. Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year old daughter on your lap. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end" when referring or speaking to a woman. Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much. Never, I say NEVER, pee onto an electric fence. Don't wear polyester to a weenie roast. Cow chips need to dry out for a spell before you toss them. Don't go hunting with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug. Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. Never stand between the dog and the hydrant. Don't stand behind a coughing cow. Never say anything on the telephone you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. Never accept a glass of lemonade from a urologist. Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. Never take a job where the winter winds can blow up your pants. Don't lick a frozen pump handle.
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