A CANADIAN

* Thinks an income tax refund is a gift from the government.

* On seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, assumes it is a train.

* When given a compliment, always looks behind to see for whom it is intended.

* Knows the difference between the Northern Lights and a Northern Lite.

* Doesn't know anyone who owns a flag.

* Finds Kentucky Fried Chicken "a bit too spicy".

* Holds the world's record for telephone use, probably listening to "Don't hang up. Your call is important to us."

* Is constantly pulling himself up by the roots to see whether he is still growing.

* Will drive to an unemployment protest meeting in his Toyota.

* Is convinced that democracy involves keeping your opinions to yourself.

* In a restaurant, apologizes for not being ready to order at the waiter's convenience.

* Will travel across the border to buy cigarettes and return home for subsidized cancer therapy.

* Says "sorry" when you accidentally bump into him.

* Waits for the light to change before crossing a deserted intersection at 3 a.m.

* Takes as a signal for a standing ovation any two people who happen to be leaving during curtain calls.

* Believes the Free Trade Agreement is an agreement about free trade.

* Says "no big deal" to a sidewalk cyclist who's just knocked him down.

* Considers turning up the thermostat an integral part of foreplay.

* Says "no thanks" to a telemarketing tape.

* Never sits in someone else's seat, even if the ticket holder doesn't show.

* Says hi to anyone walking a dog.

* Goes to hot-tub parties where people wear bathing suits.

* Finds himself thinking about sending off to "Hinterland: Who's Who" for further information on the loon.

* Carries travelers checks in a money belt.

* Heartily proclaims, "Sure it's 38 below, but it's a dry cold."

* When he musters enough courage to buy a Rolex watch, wears it hidden under a long-sleeve shirt and an Eaton's suit.