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HOW TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER
* Open the oven, shove hunks of Velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor. * Shoot olive pits at Granpa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!) * Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise. * Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. * Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw. * Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home. * Hold your nose while you eat. * Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. * Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing." * Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. * Announce that you've got a new fear of choking. * When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go. * Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.
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