SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

* You fall off the floor.

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

* Job interfering with your drinking.

* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!

* You can focus better with one eye closed.

* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?

* Roseanne looks good.

* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.

* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.

* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.

* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.

* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.

* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"

* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.

* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.

* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"

* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.