YOU MIGHT WORK IN THE ER IF...
Copyright @ Michael Seaver, RN, EMT-D  mseaver@tsrcom.com or GoofyERRN@aol.com

* You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.

* Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.

* You believe a good tape job will fix anything.

* You have the bladder capacity of five normal people.

* You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?"

* You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.

* You have ever issued a "dead head alert."

* You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a "Shit magnet."

* Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

* You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

* You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

* The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is, "What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"

* You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"

* When you mention vegetables you're not referring to the food group.

* You have used the words "healthcare reform" to strike fear in your co-worker's hearts.

* You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.

* You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.

* You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patients only hope.

* You want to order a "dumbshit profile".

* You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English.

* You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say, "No I don't worry about birth control... I've been irradiated."

* You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.

* Your patient states, " I have no idea how that got stuck in there."

* You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.

* Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.

* You find humor in other people's stupidity.

* You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

* You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.

* You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

* When a patient presents you with a list of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.

* Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint.

* You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.

* You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.

* You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

* You plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.

* You believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.

* You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered.

* You refer to Friday as "Dump Day".

* Your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.

* You believe chocolate is a food group.

* When someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.

* When you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.

* You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".

* You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.

* You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Discharge".

* You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)

* You refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".

* Your idea of a really good time is Dueling Shock Rooms.

* You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it right".

* You believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.

* You have ever had to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.