SHORT BLONDE JOKES

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it -- why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

A friend meets up with her friend as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.

Her friend asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

The blonde replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.

"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

"Oh, I dunno," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest."

One night a blonde teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"

A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?

She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"

A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"

Sally, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend..." gushes Sally. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness," sniffs Sally. "But it was the one just next to it!"

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year

old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.

"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

This one blonde decided to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by a train is not that bad. She lay with her legs spread over the railway line.

The next day in the paper, it read, "Train disappeared, reward offered."

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.

I mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"

The blonde replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.

The blonde exclaimed, "Wow!  I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"

Two drunk blondes are stumbling home one night. One of the girls has to take a piss and stumbles off into a field.

After quite sometime the girl waiting goes looking for the other girl. She finds her jerking off a horse. When she asked her what she was doing, she replied, "Hang on I think I might be able to get us a ride home."

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply: "No, but my computer keeps telling me I have mail."

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart..."

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

A very well-built young blonde lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her.

Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help.

"What kind of pads should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me."

"Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow."

She says, "It's ceramic tile."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."

Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."

The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?"

The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

Two Blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Linda: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Sylvie: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde and brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect; 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt, the bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"

To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

"Sure....it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.

"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know, it's the weirdest thing ... I've been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

After hours and hours of exhausting sex with a blonde, a man walks into his kitchen to get a drink. He fills his glass up with milk, when he looks down and realizes that his pecker is still really hot. So he sticks his pecker in the glass of milk to cool it down.

Just as he does that the blonde walks in and says, "I always wondered how you refilled those things!"

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for cats?"

There was a beautiful young blonde checking out in the grocery store. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bisacksual."

A blonde and a brunette are walking through a park. The brunette, looking at the ground, says, "Look! A dead bird!"

The blonde looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help me! My house is on fire!  What do I do?!"

Someone else yells, "Call 911!"

The blonde yells back, "What's the number?"